


Sick with guilt

by HufflepuffLightwoodBane



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec is my favourite character i swear, M/M, Multi, Other, Post-Episode: s01e04 Raising Hell, Sick Alec Lightwood, memory demon incident
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 07:54:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14828388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HufflepuffLightwoodBane/pseuds/HufflepuffLightwoodBane
Summary: They had to tell Hodge what happened at Magnus' with the memory demon, one member of the group however was feeling so guilty they became sick because it was too much for them so unfortunately had to miss out in Hodge's briefing.





	1. Chapter 1

Alexander's POV

I can't believe it, i screwed up. No one can hate me as much as i hate myself right now, not even the girl. I lost the only chance we had at finding the cup and now Jace probably knew my secret, the only thing I've kept from my parabatai. Why couldn't my memory have been of my siblings, just like Izzy's, she had given the demon a memory of me. I just had to be different. Why me, The truth is i don't want to be different, i don't want my secret shame to be true, i want to be like Jace, i don't want to like him but i guess i'm stuck like this, made to hate myself for who i am.

Clarissa's POV

I killed the demon, it was either loose Jace and get my memories or save Jace and loose my memories, so i chose Jace. Alec wants the cup just as much as anyone else so why did he break the link. He looked so guilty, he looked physically repulsed, why doesn't he like me. His memory of a loved one was Jace so maybe that has something to do with it.

Jace's POV

Clary's ok, even though we didn't get her memories back. What's wrong with Alec, so what he loves me, of course he loves me, i love him, we're parabatai, brothers. I hope everyone is ok, it's just i feel the need to speak to Clary first. I'm sure Izzy and Alec will understand, i need to know how she feels. I care about her, i really do. I don't see why Alec doesn't like her, he's my parabatai, he should trust me, right.


	2. Chapter 2

Alec's POV

As soon as we arrived back at the Institute. I didn't stick around for Hodge's questioning. I all but ran to the closest bathroom to throw up. I felt sick, i couldn't do this anymore. So after i had finished retching violently into the toilet, i get up and wash my hands and splashed some water on my face and looked at my reflection in the mirror. How could anyone want this, want me, plain old Alec, i'm nothing special. I'm not like Jace and Izzy or even Clary. Quietly i waited until i could no longer hear the voices of the others, i snuck up to my room. Where i intended to stay for the rest of the night. Away, away from everyone. No one could see me like this.

Izzy's POV

We returned home, Hodge was there to greet us and Alec rather than greeting him like usual, ran straight past him and we didn't see him again during the time it took for us to explain what had happened to Hodge. I hope both of my brothers are ok. Today has been a pretty rough day, especially for them. I mean not that it's been easy for Clary that is. I went up to my room after the questioning, if any of my siblings wanted to talk to me, they knew where to find me.

Hodge's POV

Well this is unlike them. Unlike all three of them. Isabelle and Jace are usually really happy when returning from downworlder parties and was that Magnus' necklace glistening around Izzy's neck. As for Alec well he usually looks unimpressed by it all but this time something was different Izzy and Jace were quiet and forlorn and Alec he looked like he was on the verge of crying, collapsing and throwing up. He ran past me, before i could even speak. what is wrong with that boy.

Jace, Izzy and Clary all lurched into conversation, telling me about what happened. I listened but all the while i was listening and keeping an eye out for any signs of Alec. After he ran past me i noted he was heading towards the bathroom. So i sat as close to the bathroom as i could and whilst the others couldn't hear over their explanation, i could hear him in the bathroom, he didn't sound good but from what the others have just told me nothing they did made him ill unless and this is a long shot, he feels guilty about breaking the link and has made himself sick with worry and is panicking over it. I need to speak with the boy, provide help and council when needed as that's all i can do now thanks to my punishment for being a member of Valentine's circle, exile, confined to the walls of this institute for the rest of my damned miserable life.

Alec's POV

I just need to relax. I was at home, in my room, no one could hurt me in here. The one person i was most afraid to see could hurt me here, both sides of this person, both for different reasons. Shadowhunters, supposedly brave warriors, i was supposed to be one of them but instead i was hiding in my room, hiding from the one person i knew i could never escape, myself. Pacing around my room, i waited, waited for someone to knock on my door or just enter my room without warning. By the Angel i can't believe i did that.

Jace's POV

I hadn't heard from Alec in a while but he can handle himself, right?. I shouldn't worry about him.


End file.
